What's worse than bad fashion? NOTHING! And yet, year-after-year, season-after-season, we're subjected to some seriously bad fashion. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE fashion...or at least style (I'll leave you to ponder the difference), but some fashion is enough to make me cranky.
The February issues of the fashion magazines are beginning to clog my mailbox and cover my coffee table and once again, I'm being subjected to some seriously DUMB trends. The most ridiculous of all being THE PEEP-TOE BOOTIE!! What IS this thing? It looks like an otherwise perfectly respectable pair of booties that were VICIOUSLY ATTACKED BY A LAWNMOWER.
Booties usually keep your tootsies warm in cold weather. If you cut the toes off, they're no longer warm. Shoes that show your toes usually keep your feet cool in warm weather. It's hard to have cool, comfortable feet when they're ENCASED IN LEATHER. This brings me to ridiculous trends from seasons past, which I shall classify by the ways in which they offend the sensibilities:
For God's sake, pick a season!
The peep-toe bootie falls into this category. As do wool shorts. Really people, this was one of the dopiest trends of Fall 2007. Shorts are not warm. They are not fall and winter clothes. They are summer clothes. Making them out of wool will NOT make them fall and winter clothes because THE REST OF MY LEGS will be exposed. "Oh, but you wear them with tights," some idiot will say. If you need to wear tights with shorts to keep your legs warm, then perhaps you'd just like to invest in what you should be wearing in the first place...A PAIR OF PANTS!
It was stupid last time, and it's stupid now.
Ponchos. What addle-pated fashion designer decided we should re-launch the poncho? I had a poncho once...in the 70's WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. Ponchos are an amazing item of clothing -- they're not warm enough and they're too warm, all at the same time. Frankly, unless you live somewhere where the temperature never gets above 70 or below 60 -- YOU CAN'T WEAR THESE THINGS!!! And ponchos were clearly invented by men because no one put any thought into where you're supposed to hang your shoulder bag. Does it go over the poncho or under it? I don't know!! And that brings me to...
Impractical clothing
Oh, don't even start with "fashion's not supposed to be practical." I KNOW that. I'm CrankyFashionChick. I have shoes that I can only wear if I'll be sitting down the entire time. I have skirts that won't let me take steps wider than six inches. I have the world's most fabulous winter white, wrap wool coat. It' s not warm and it has to be drycleaned after every wearing. I own SIX LEATHER JACKETS. Don't talk to me about practicality. But there's impractical and then there's ridiculously impractical. Let's start with...
Footless tights. First of all, this sounds far too much like crotchless panties. And that's not even my biggest objection to them. With a long skirt, you can't see them (Why are you wearing black long underwear under your skirt? Did you know it's showing?) and with a short skirt...YOU CAN.
Footless tights, of course, are the less sturdy cousins of LEGGINGS! These look like crap on everyone. I once saw Christie Brinkley in a pair of leggings. She also had on a cropped top, so we could see her bum. Sweetie, if leggings and a cropped top looked bad on Christie Brinkley in her hey-day, you don't have A PRAYER of pulling them off.
Batwing or dolman sleeves. It just SOUNDS ugly, doesn't it? And they're amazingly unflattering. And you can forget about wearing a coat over any top that has these sleeves. Bunched-up city. You'll look like you have the fattest, flabbiest arms in Mayberry jammed into your coat sleeves. Maybe this is where the poncho was supposed to come in?
Ugly on everyone.
Leggings fall into this category. But so do...
LOW RISE PANTS. Thank God this is a trend has been declared over. Yes, it's over. Throw those pants away. When did sporting plumber's crack become fashionable? Yuk. And they gave even the thinnest girls muffin tops. In fact, the phrase muffin tops was coined to describe the flab that bubbles up over the top of low-rise pants and sticks out between the too-short top and the too-low pants. And it's vile. When a size zero has muffin tops, you have to blame the article of clothing.
Not for grown-ups.
The babydoll top and the babydoll dress. There's a reason it has the word "baby" in it. You'll look like you're carrying one -- as in, you're preggers. These are cute on little girls who can't possibly be pregnant and on pregnant women who have a reason to walk around with their waistline under their boobs.
And the worst fashion item of all-time.
Flipflops. I HATE flipflops. I hate the noise they make. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they make people walk -- like insane, shuffling ducks. I hate that people think that they're appropriate footwear for city streets (they're not). I hate that people wear them in the winter time (I mean, please). I hate that people actually wear them INTO RESTAURANTS, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I hate the way people's heels slide off the back of them and get all grotty and black. Ugh.
And that's my fashion screed for the day. Until next time...
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2 comments:
Trust me, I have felt the wrath of CrankyFashionChick when one deviates from the rules and wears – gasp – flip flops. I'm sorry they may be ugly and fashion backward, but Rainbows are the most comfortable shoes around and I just can't stop wearing them, even if it gives CrankyFashionChick a rage blackout.
Ooooh - it's a good thing I don't work with that crankyfashionchick anymore. I would be soooo in trouble. I love the babydoll shirts - though I must admit that on several occasions people have given me seats on BART because they thought I was pregnant. That's ok - I like to sit down.
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