If I Had My Own TV Show

I’ve figured out why I love “Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares” and almost all judge shows – because the show is basically about people calling other people on their shit and telling them to knock it the hell off. I want a show like that!

I’m going to hire a camera crew and producer to follow me around while I gently encourage the citizens of our country to pull their socks up. I think my catchphrase will be, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

I plan to start with the Metro. My first targets will be people who step onto the train and just STOP MOVING, so that everyone behind them crashes into them and can’t get on the train. “Excuse me, sir? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???!!?”

Then I’ll confront the raging jackass who thinks he deserves to have a seat all to himself and gently explain that his briefcase doesn’t need a seat and that since he didn’t pay a fare for his briefcase, he should give up that seat DURING RUSH HOUR to another HUMAN. I don’t want to sit next to him though, because he’s a SELFISH BASTARD.

I shall also explore the reasoning of people who stand on the wrong side of the escalator, jam up the area near the car doors when there are plenty of free seats and they’re not getting off for another 10 stops, leave their newspapers in the car when there are receptacles JUST FOR NEWSPAPERS AT EVERY STOP, and block the turnstiles staring at their non-functioning farecards so that no one can get by them. All together now, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!?”

We’ll also feature people who read books while driving on the freeway; people who actually attempt to drive, eat and talk on their cell phones at the same time; people who cut in line; people who steal parking spaces, oh…the list goes on and on.

I’m calling my show “America Wants to Know, ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!?’” Coming soon to a TV screen near you…